Saturday, April 27, 2013

Read-a-thon: Intro Meme



Introductory Questionnaire

1) What fine part of the world are you reading from today?
I am located in Dallas, TX.
2) Which book in your stack are you most looking forward to?
I'm looking forward to diving into Buffy: The Making of a Slayer.
3) Which snack are you most looking forward to?
Spiral Diner Nachos Supremos.
4) Tell us a little something about yourself!
-Yesterday was my birthday. And it was delightful.
-I am now 32. :)
-Last April I was doing the read-a-thon in Phoenix, AZ. I'm glad to be back in TX where the weather is cooler and the start time isn't 5am.
5) If you participated in the last read-a-thon, what’s one thing you’ll do different today? If this is your first read-a-thon, what are you most looking forward to?
Today a few girlfriends will be coming over to read with me. I usually do this thing solo. I'm pretty excited to have some company later in the day. 

Friday, April 26, 2013

24 hour read-a-thon


It's that time again! 24 hour read-a-thon is here and I'm dusting off this blog here to participate. I look forward to settling in for a cozy day with books, snacks, and girl time. Yay! 

Thursday, January 31, 2013

The Unseen Life Dreaming Me


I wrote this post almost exactly a year ago. It wasn't the right time to post it, as I was afraid I would jinx what I was trying to manifest. However, I wanted to capture what I was feeling at the time. It's been seven months since I've moved to Dallas. Yeah, it took a full year exactly to manifest this move. But once the offer came through, everything fell into place more perfectly than I could have hoped for, although it didn't look at all how I thought it would look, but that's universe for you! She knows best. ;)

One of the first lessons in Mondo Beyondo, Jen Lemen shares the story of the unseen life dreaming her. It is a beautiful and touching story. For me, it acted as another reminder that the universe truly is our co-creator; that there is a deeper intelligence present guiding us to our paths if we lean in, listen, and bravely follow our inner guidance.

I have felt this guidance many times throughout my life, and it has been calling me again. The unseen life that my heart is in charge of. You may remember during the summer, when I was working through the Mondo Beyondo Spring Dream Lab course, which was all about making clearings, I decided to take on a yoga challenge as my personal clearing. I documented my experience and briefly touched on the ways that this regular practice was clearing vast amounts of space and energy, making way for new energy and for clear, true guidance to bubble up. However, I was decidedly oblique in my references.

When I lived in Texas, I had deeply ambivalent feelings for it. My family was there. Most of my friends are there. I always knew I wanted to leave so I was very conscious in my efforts to be grateful for what Texas did have to offer (lots of museums and theatres, an active counter-culture, lots of trees) as opposed to what it didn’t (very little walk culture, poor public transit, too spread out.) Living in Texas made me feel stifled at times. Sometimes I felt a very real energy drawing me down and sucking me dry. I have moved in and out of Texas several times throughout my life bouncing between my parents, and it is something I only ever felt in Texas. Something about the energy of the place just did not resonate well with me.

So I moved to Arizona. I’ve been pretty open about the fact that Arizona and I are not best friends. We aren’t even particularly close. But that doesn’t mean I am miserable, not by any means. I have a good life here. Sometimes it feels like a shell of my former life, but that is mainly because I am still relatively new to the area. Yes, the first year was extremely hard. Hey, moving as an adult is totally different moving all the time as a child. At least you have school to give you a built-in network. It’s a bit trickier as an adult. It takes more time to build that network.

Arizona was always meant to be a stepping stone. We never intended to establish firm roots and settle here. The main goal was to get out of Texas. An opportunity presented itself and we took it. We thought the desert would bridge the gap to California.

During my year and a half at my current job, I’ve had the opportunity to work closely with others in our locations in FL and TX. A chain of serendipitous events had me stopping in to meet one of these peeps while I was visiting my family last summer. I was excited to meet T. as we had communicated quite often via the office communicator and I had helped her out on several accounts. When I popped in, she led me to her boss’s office, telling me she had been informed to introduce me when I came in. The meeting went well, and at the end he let me know that if I ever wanted to come back to TX, there would be a place for me in his office.

I said thank you, but internally I laughed it off. I didn’t take it seriously. However, a short hour later, while having dinner with some of my closest girlfriends, I confided in K about this meeting. As the offer settled in, my heart grew bolder in making its needs known. My four days home made a deep impression. At the time I left for the desert, my community felt very splintered, to the point that I felt I no longer had one. My best friend was away at graduate school. My other besties felt very removed and distant. It was also during a time of great family distress so I didn’t feel particularly close to them either. In short, I felt quite alone. So as sad as I was to leave, I was also relieved to go.

In the two and half years I’ve been gone, there have been some huge shifts. My family has reintegrated itself and I feel like they appreciate me more. My best friend has since earned her Master’s and is back. My other friends have come back around, which was most evident during my last visit home. During those four days I felt my community coalescing around me. I can’t accurately describe the way my summer visit felt. It was completely heartwarming and soul refreshing. I was on a natural high for days after my return, completely buoyed up with a renewed spirit.

So, it was at the dinner where I confided in K, that the seeds first started to take hold. Over the course of the weekend, I couldn’t stop thinking about the opportunity presented to me—to come back. I tentatively spoke about it with my sister, and a couple of my girlfriends. By the end of the weekend, I realized how deeply my heart yearned to return.

I felt blindsided by this. I had desired for so long to leave, and now that I had left, I wanted to go back? For sure, there had been plenty of times during difficult moments as we adjusted to our new environment where I joked about returning to Texas, but I was never serious. Well, apparently my heart was but my mind wasn’t. I wanted to move forward. I was actively seeking our next location and how we would make that happen. Would it be CA? Would it be Portland? It sure as hell wouldn’t be Texas.

Alas, my life has always been circular so it doesn’t surprise me that it would be now. Once I recognized a deep desire my heart had been holding for me, I felt liberated. Upon my return home, B and I had long discussions about it. Eventually he got on board, and we were good to start making this happen.

That was six months ago. I have remained in touch with the UM I met in Dallas. There was a brief window in August where it looked like things were going to move much more quickly than I had anticipated. A position in T’s group opened up. I applied. Then a hiring freeze was implemented, which made the position disappear. I was informed that there would be several positions available after the new year. So I have been patiently waiting for this to open up so we can move forward on this new adventure. In the meantime, I have been reveling in all the things I like about the desert and getting as much time with my friends as possible.

It is really incredible to me that I am going back, but it feels absolutely right. Getting out of my comfort zone is what I had desired. The desert has absolutely provided that for me. But now I have a lot of exciting things to look forward to upon my return. I have grown and learned a lot during these past two and half years. What I sought is absolutely what I received. And I am so grateful for it.

This is just one piece of the story, but I so relate to the unseen life dreaming me. It is truly amazing what comes up when we let our intellect and egos step aside, and allow our higher wisdom to shine through. I am excited to see where my path takes me next.

Friday, September 28, 2012

where have your best impulses taken you?

I am revisiting Mondo Beyondo alongside two close friends who are taking it for the very first time. This lesson about intuition speaks about our impulses and the magic that follows when we act upon them.

When I was in college, there was a girl in the theatre department that I knew by name and sight. We had a couple of classes together and I saw her around a lot, but I didn’t really know her. However, I did notice her. When our Directing II scenes were performed, it was her last year. She had accepted an internship in Santa Fe, NM and to me it felt like she would be gone forever. I didn’t really know anything about her, didn’t know she would eventually return. It just felt like I had somehow missed an opportunity. Accompanying this realization was the outlandish impulse to buy her a plant and write her a farewell card. After a moment’s hesitation, that is exactly what I did. I wrote her a note inside a cheerful card stating that I admired her work, was regretful that I hadn’t gotten to know her, and I wished her well in her future endeavors.

She is now my best friend.

I had no expectation for what would come of that gesture. I was simply called to do it. Despite feeling slightly awkward, I acted on this impulse.

Our journey together has been full of many adventures, lessons, and opportunities for growth. When she returned from her internship, she was on fire for The Vagina Monologues. She had read it over the summer and wanted to bring it to our university. She asked a mutual friend to co-produce and said mutual friend got me involved.

This was another moment of kismet. Bringing TVM to our university had been a dream hiding out in the shadows of my heart since my first year of college. I had read it, fell in love with the mission and spent five minutes deeply wishing that I could be a part of it somehow. Of course, I wasn’t part of the department yet, and I knew barely anyone, let alone did I have any clue how to bring about such an endeavor. And this was just the beginning of the magic we would create together.

Other dreams fulfilled together included founding a theatre company, directing plays we had written during our summer apart, and creating an ensemble piece that was co-written and co-directed by everyone involved.

She showed me marriage that bucked the cultural narrative, marriage that includes deep friendships, slumber parties, fierce independence and fierce partnership co-existing. She has taught me the power of unconditional love and what that really looks like. Together we’ve seen each other through joys and hardships.

I can’t quite describe how my intuition feels. There is a certain energy to the impulses my intuition guides me towards. They fill me with a flutter of goodness. They fill me with the excitement of possibility. They fill me with a deep sense of knowing.

There have been many impulses I’ve followed that have yielded awesomeness, however, this is one of the very best. Following it shaped my life in ways I could not have expected, let alone imagined. And I am deeply grateful for that.

Monday, April 16, 2012

pushing through the fear

At the end of January I dared to pose the question: What would make my heart sing?

I meditated on this question for a few nights until a clear answer bubbled up from the depths of my being.

What my heart revealed was surprising, exciting, and so fitting. I am pretty sure I would have never seriously considered moving in this direction had I not taken the time to dig deep and listen to my deepest self. Sometimes I keep chugging along one way because I'd set out on that path long ago. Even when all the signs point to 'this isn't necessarily for us anymore, our heart is no longer in it' I find it difficult to stop, take stock, and change direction.

So I've been making new plans. Getting excited about what embarking on this new path could mean. I didn't feel fear or doubt, only excitement and pure joy at the sheer possibilities.

Two and half months later, after crafting a solid plan with tasks and goals and deadlines, the fear and doubt are starting to creep in. The tasks have lost their sheen and the overwhelm has taken over.

But I still have my map and my list of tasks and I'm slowly pushing through the fear, hoping the overwhelm subsides soon.

Wednesday, April 11, 2012

April Project: Grow an Herb Garden


I'm not gonna lie. I'm hella intimidated by this month's task. Yes, I'm intimidated by every month's task if I'm being truthful. But growing things is not my strong suit. Quite frankly, I suck at it. I can barely keep plants alive. Sometimes I even kill bamboo plants! Those things are sturdy and nearly impossible to neglect.

But I'm going to try try try again. I love to cook with herbs. I love the idea of snapping off basil leaves fresh from the stem. Grabbing a handful of cilantro right from my window. Not having to worry about picking up what I need at the market and worrying it's going to languish in my fridge.

Per usual, each task can be adapted for your tastes and talents. Maybe you have an herb garden. Perhaps you'd like to grow tomatoes or flowers. Whatever it is, let's try and grow together. :)

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

unexpected joy from the sidewalk

On my morning walk to the train platform, I noticed bright blue letters attached to the chain link fence I pass by every day. Letters boldly spelling out HOPE with pictures attached. I was delighted to next observe that clothespins were attached to the space next to HOPE in the shape of a hear with pictures attached inside. When I got off the train after work and was walking home, there were sidewalk messages!!!!

It's little stuff like this that totally makes my day.






Yes, universe. YES.