I wrote this post almost exactly a year ago. It wasn't the right time to post it, as I was afraid I would jinx what I was trying to manifest. However, I wanted to capture what I was feeling at the time. It's been seven months since I've moved to Dallas. Yeah, it took a full year exactly to manifest this move. But once the offer came through, everything fell into place more perfectly than I could have hoped for, although it didn't look at all how I thought it would look, but that's universe for you! She knows best. ;)
One of the first lessons in Mondo Beyondo, Jen Lemen shares the story of the unseen life dreaming her. It is a beautiful and touching story. For me, it acted as another reminder that the universe truly is our co-creator; that there is a deeper intelligence present guiding us to our paths if we lean in, listen, and bravely follow our inner guidance.
I have felt this guidance many times throughout my life, and it has been calling me again. The unseen life that my heart is in charge of. You may remember during the summer, when I was working through the Mondo Beyondo Spring Dream Lab course, which was all about making clearings, I decided to take on a yoga challenge as my personal clearing. I documented my experience and briefly touched on the ways that this regular practice was clearing vast amounts of space and energy, making way for new energy and for clear, true guidance to bubble up. However, I was decidedly oblique in my references.
When I lived in Texas, I had deeply ambivalent feelings for it. My family was there. Most of my friends are there. I always knew I wanted to leave so I was very conscious in my efforts to be grateful for what Texas did have to offer (lots of museums and theatres, an active counter-culture, lots of trees) as opposed to what it didn’t (very little walk culture, poor public transit, too spread out.) Living in Texas made me feel stifled at times. Sometimes I felt a very real energy drawing me down and sucking me dry. I have moved in and out of Texas several times throughout my life bouncing between my parents, and it is something I only ever felt in Texas. Something about the energy of the place just did not resonate well with me.
So I moved to Arizona. I’ve been pretty open about the fact that Arizona and I are not best friends. We aren’t even particularly close. But that doesn’t mean I am miserable, not by any means. I have a good life here. Sometimes it feels like a shell of my former life, but that is mainly because I am still relatively new to the area. Yes, the first year was extremely hard. Hey, moving as an adult is totally different moving all the time as a child. At least you have school to give you a built-in network. It’s a bit trickier as an adult. It takes more time to build that network.
Arizona was always meant to be a stepping stone. We never intended to establish firm roots and settle here. The main goal was to get out of Texas. An opportunity presented itself and we took it. We thought the desert would bridge the gap to California.
During my year and a half at my current job, I’ve had the opportunity to work closely with others in our locations in FL and TX. A chain of serendipitous events had me stopping in to meet one of these peeps while I was visiting my family last summer. I was excited to meet T. as we had communicated quite often via the office communicator and I had helped her out on several accounts. When I popped in, she led me to her boss’s office, telling me she had been informed to introduce me when I came in. The meeting went well, and at the end he let me know that if I ever wanted to come back to TX, there would be a place for me in his office.
I said thank you, but internally I laughed it off. I didn’t take it seriously. However, a short hour later, while having dinner with some of my closest girlfriends, I confided in K about this meeting. As the offer settled in, my heart grew bolder in making its needs known. My four days home made a deep impression. At the time I left for the desert, my community felt very splintered, to the point that I felt I no longer had one. My best friend was away at graduate school. My other besties felt very removed and distant. It was also during a time of great family distress so I didn’t feel particularly close to them either. In short, I felt quite alone. So as sad as I was to leave, I was also relieved to go.
In the two and half years I’ve been gone, there have been some huge shifts. My family has reintegrated itself and I feel like they appreciate me more. My best friend has since earned her Master’s and is back. My other friends have come back around, which was most evident during my last visit home. During those four days I felt my community coalescing around me. I can’t accurately describe the way my summer visit felt. It was completely heartwarming and soul refreshing. I was on a natural high for days after my return, completely buoyed up with a renewed spirit.
So, it was at the dinner where I confided in K, that the seeds first started to take hold. Over the course of the weekend, I couldn’t stop thinking about the opportunity presented to me—to come back. I tentatively spoke about it with my sister, and a couple of my girlfriends. By the end of the weekend, I realized how deeply my heart yearned to return.
I felt blindsided by this. I had desired for so long to leave, and now that I had left, I wanted to go back? For sure, there had been plenty of times during difficult moments as we adjusted to our new environment where I joked about returning to Texas, but I was never serious. Well, apparently my heart was but my mind wasn’t. I wanted to move forward. I was actively seeking our next location and how we would make that happen. Would it be CA? Would it be Portland? It sure as hell wouldn’t be Texas.
Alas, my life has always been circular so it doesn’t surprise me that it would be now. Once I recognized a deep desire my heart had been holding for me, I felt liberated. Upon my return home, B and I had long discussions about it. Eventually he got on board, and we were good to start making this happen.
That was six months ago. I have remained in touch with the UM I met in Dallas. There was a brief window in August where it looked like things were going to move much more quickly than I had anticipated. A position in T’s group opened up. I applied. Then a hiring freeze was implemented, which made the position disappear. I was informed that there would be several positions available after the new year. So I have been patiently waiting for this to open up so we can move forward on this new adventure. In the meantime, I have been reveling in all the things I like about the desert and getting as much time with my friends as possible.
It is really incredible to me that I am going back, but it feels absolutely right. Getting out of my comfort zone is what I had desired. The desert has absolutely provided that for me. But now I have a lot of exciting things to look forward to upon my return. I have grown and learned a lot during these past two and half years. What I sought is absolutely what I received. And I am so grateful for it.
This is just one piece of the story, but I so relate to the unseen life dreaming me. It is truly amazing what comes up when we let our intellect and egos step aside, and allow our higher wisdom to shine through. I am excited to see where my path takes me next.
